Ripped Out: How Birth Trauma Affects Babies

Ripped out

Held tightly in my warm embryonic bubble,

I reminisce on the days when I floated freely

In this my mother’s womb, nourished by her life force,

This is the first home I have known.

As I stretch and long for freedom

Beyond the comforts of the womb,

I feel the walls compress around me

And I know the time is coming soon.

For many months I have grown stronger.

First helpless in this rhythmic sea,

Secured by this line to my belly;

Providing life, food and safety for me.

Now the ocean has closed around me,

And I’m hugged tightly, wrapped with warmth all around.

I reach up and imagine life beyond,

My mother’s voice is a precious sound.

She coos to me that soon we will meet,

And I will gaze into her love filled eyes.

I dream of her as another squeeze comes,

And I feel her heart rate rise.

As we continue, these surges together,

My mother comforts and we both know;

Our instincts will tell us what to do

This path we must travel before we say hello.

As mother prepares for my welcome,

Her strength falters as time marches on.

I hear voices and strange commotion;

A loud beeping that goes on and on.

The journey now becomes fraught with danger,

As I feel mother cry and give into fear.

With each surge I struggle to climb upward;

I don’t feel my mother so near.

As I fight on my way to the outside,

I struggle with fear and with pain.

My mother’s flesh numbs all around me;

I long to scream out her name.

My birth has killed my sweet mother, I fear.

These waves that pushed me closer to our meeting,

Now crash over and threaten to drown me;

My heart is scarcely beating.

Pain fills every joint in my body,

Loud noises crash all around and above.

I wonder shall I go on fighting,

If I have lost the sweet mother I love?

As the womb that was once my warm safe home,

Pummels and pushes me onward to life;

I long for the quiet and stillness before

This womb was in turmoil and strife.

All at once my previously safe cocoon,

Is breached by a sharp sundering assassin’s knife.

I scream as I’m dragged into glaring lights.

Has my mother forfeit, for me, her life?

My cord that gives life is severed,

And the cold rushes in. Oh it burns!

These new lungs expand as I fight for air.

The room all around me it turns.

I learn of fear and pain this day of my birth.

I am welcomed, bombarded, my eyes and my ears.

My mouth and nose are attacked by tubes that suck,

Eyes are blinded with goo that stops my tears.

“I am falling!” I scream. As I’m moved through this cool air;

Measured, poked and prodded, I cry.

But each cry falls on ears that are deaf

Maniacal smiles on their faces speak of joy and of pride.

My captors lay me down at last,

And with cloth bind me tight;

My legs and arms are unable to move,

They pass me around until I lose my fight.

In the arms of a large stranger I hear,

The deep sound that I have heard often before;

When safe in my bubble surrounded by warmth,

This man who I know loves my mother.

I stare around searching for her,

But alas she is nowhere in sight.

This man, who I’ll call Dad, laughs aloud;

And rocks me and smiles with delight.

When all is quiet and all is calm,

I learn that my mother’s not dead.

As I’m placed in her arms, she kisses me soft;

Her voice is as weak as a thread.

My mother cries as she holds me close,

I try to help; this body I cannot control.

Her body is broken, her spirit crushed,

By this place where birth is a toil.

I was born this way, torn from my mother;

The nature of life it has changed.

Where once I sought freedom and adventure,

Now only fear and anxiety remain.

I wrote this poem because through my study and research in my journey on the road to becoming a doula and in the future, a midwife, I have read and heard a lot about how the birth affects the newborn and wanted to write something from that perspective. Where the speaker, this earthbound newborn, talks of feeling pain and fear this is where I imagine that the mother has given in to the pain of labor and accepted medications which block her natural endorphins which would normally flow to the fetus, so that this new life feels all the pain and trauma associated with being squeezed through a birth canal. When the fetus feels the mothers flesh numb around him and fears that his mother has died, this is where I imagine that the mother has received an epidural and the drug numbs the connection between the mother to her fetus so that this little one experiences the withdrawal of his mother’s presence. As the fetus in my poem struggles to be born, the pounding of contractions along with the withdrawal of his mother’s presence soon overwhelms him and his heart rate begins to slow and an emergency c-section is performed. I tried to portray the feelings this infant might have being ripped from his mother, forced to breathe right away by the severing of the umbilical cord, and forced to endure the hospital protocol while being completely separated from his mother. I cannot remember my own birth so I can only speculate and look at the example of my own children. I could feel such a difference between the personality of my child who was born by cesarean before labor began and my natural homebirth baby. My oldest was afraid of everything and still panics at being away from me. My youngest has no fears and everything is an adventure that he can’t wait to experience. I hope this poem is read as it was intended and helps people to also think of the experience of the baby as choices are made regarding birth. Below are some of the resources that I read that helped to change my perspective in seeing birth through the newest person’s eyes.

References

Chamberlain, D. (1998). The mind of the newborn baby. North Atlantic Books; 3^rd Ed. ISBN- 10: 155643264X

Harper, B. (1994). Gentle birth choices. Healing Arts Press, ISBN-10: 0892814802

Leboyer, F. (1975). Birth without violence. Healing Arts Press, ISBN 0-89281-983-9

Odent, M. (2006). Prelabor intrauterine Life; The future of suicides. Retrieved Sept 10, 2011 from: http://www.wombecology.com/suicide.html

Verny, T. and Kelly J. (1982). The secret life of the unborn child: how you can prepare your baby for a happy, healthy life. Dell, ISBN-10: 0440505658

Why I Choose to Breastfeed

“Happy Breastfeeding Awareness Month!” This is the line that I have repeated over and over to people as I have breast fed my baby anywhere that he has been hungry. What a wonderful time to be able to help raise awareness that breastfeeding is a wonderful thing for moms and babies everywhere.

Isn’t technology amazing?! It is hard to believe that I can carry with me a phone that can send pictures over it and now videos to someone across the world. The world is changing so quickly, however science has never been able to duplicate the formula that makes up mother’s milk. For more information on this check out:  What Every Parent Should Know About Infant Formula.

My body can create for my child the most advanced combination of nutritional and beneficial ingredients to sustain my child’s health. From my mammary glands I produce the most complex combination of antibodies for fighting germs and giving my son the best possible start so that he can explore the complexities of the world with his mouth and with his tongue feel the textures of whatever he can get his hands on. Unfortunately no matter how many times I remove the bits of paper, mud, and sticks from my baby’s mouth he continues to shove something else back in as soon as he can. I shake my head but feel better knowing that by nursing my babe I am giving him what he needs to fight bacteria and that he will develop a stronger immune system because of it.

I was fortunate and breastfeeding for me came very naturally and I have had three babies who have fully enjoyed their time spent at the breast. There is something so beautiful about the quiet time spent with a baby nourishing them at your breast, staring down into the deep trusting eyes of my newborn as he stares back up at me eyes brimming with unconditional love. Those quiet peaceful moments can never be taken away and carry a mother through the trials of raising little ones. Is it no wonder that looking at a sleeping child renews that love that was formed while bonding with the child as a babe at the breast?

Can you imagine what a wonderful place the mother’s breast must be for the newborn? So much of who we are is formed before we can even remember it. My sister told me that her daughter has a preference for the color orange and recalled that the nursing cover she used with her daughter was orange. I still have memories as a child of being held in my mother’s lap and feeling that it was the warmest, most comfortable place in the world. Memories that probably connect back even further than I can recall. For my own babes my breast is a place that they come to for peace and quiet, when it is time to rest, to quiet fears and comfort pain. I am so grateful for my ability to give my children so much through breastfeeding. I feel sad for those who struggle with breastfeeding and have difficulties with lactation. Remember that giving your milk to your child for the first time is something that is a learning experience for both you and your babe. The newborn is not born with the instructions for breastfeeding. It is a time where both of you must learn together and work together. Do not get frustrated if it seems that you are doing things wrong. Breastfeeding should be unforced and natural and can be difficult and even painful. However, persistence usually pays off and can benefit you and your newborn.

Our current culture is a place where breastfeeding is considered to be out of the norm. It makes me laugh to go to the beach and see bikinis with so much skin showing and yet I get thrown awkward, uncomfortable glances while nursing with my baby latched on and my skin covered by my shirt or a blanket. I feel like I need to nurse publicly to help people see that breastfeeding is normal. I hope that others will join me in spreading breastfeeding awareness. My favourite breastfeeding quote I read on a poster said, “It’s not about my right to breastfeed. It’s about my baby’s right to eat.” Every time I feel uncomfortable about being stared at while providing nourishment for my baby I remember that it is not about me and my baby deserves the right to eat when he is hungry regardless of my insecurities. My baby also does not deserve to be fed in a dirty bathroom. I would not want to eat in a place that smelled of excrement.

I have been fortunate that my babies have stood up for their rights by demanding food (quite loudly) and refusing to eat while covered with a blanket forcing me to get over my embarrassment and put my babies needs before my comfort. I have learned to be flexible and supportive of my babies needs. I have also been a mother with children who have felt the need to breastfeed for an extended period. I recently read somewhere that the average breastfeeding age in the world is three years. So I have realized that although among my peers I may stand out as being different, I am well below the average in the world since I usually wean around two years. It is hard for me to quit giving breast milk to my babies until they are ready since I cannot find anything that is as beneficial and supportive of natural growth as the milk that is produced by my breast. I have also not been in a hurry to quit breastfeeding because I use my breast milk quite frequently for other purposes besides just feeding my baby.

Did you know that because of the natural antibodies and healing properties of breast milk it can be used for many other purposes besides just the nourishment of an infant? I use my breast milk frequently on my skin as it is a wonderful and natural cleanser and helps to clear acne and prevent wrinkles. When my baby has goop in the corner of his eye I squirt him in the eye with breast milk to clean it and the immunities in the breast milk help to heal the infection. After breastfeeding I squirt a little milk to rub on my breasts to prevent nipple soreness and cracking. Breastmilk can be used for so many purposes from itchy mosquito bites to sexual lubricant. For more great uses for breast milk check out this website:  Breast Milk and Its Many Uses.

Please consider breastfeeding if you have not before and if you are not a mother then be supportive of those around you who are trying to breastfeed. If you see a mother trying to breastfeed do not make her uncomfortable by trying to avoid looking at her. Look her in the eyes and smile at her. It is so good for babies to have breast milk from their mothers. Remember that it is about the baby and the baby has the right to eat wherever and whenever they are hungry and to have the best start to their lives with natural mother’s milk. If you were breast fed thank your own mother for giving you such a great start in life.

April is Cesarean Awareness Month

The following video contains images of cesarean surgical births.  For more information on cesarean birth awareness and vaginal birth after cesarean, please visit the International Cesarean Awareness Network.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com