My Journey to HBA3C - Part 2.5

The reader responses to my friend Melissa's first two posts, My Journey to Home Birth After 3 Cesareans - Part 1 and My Journey to HBA3C - Part 2, were phenomenal.  She is still working on writing out Part 3, the birth of her fourth child; however, she has made a beautiful video sharing some of her amazing story.

Enjoy... and make sure you have plenty of Kleenex handy!

Love,
Michelle

My Journey to HBA3C - Part 2

The response we received when we posted the first installment of Melissa's story was unbelievable!  We are so thankful for all of your words of encouragement.  Here is the much anticipated second part to My Journey to Home Birth After 3 Cesareans.

When VBAC hopefuls find out I gave birth at home after three c-sections, they want to know, “How did you prepare?” Each person’s road will look very different, but this is mine.

After I knew I wanted a fourth child, I felt like a huge mountain lay before me. I had to realize even if I climbed every obstacle, I may not ever make it to the top. I had to accept that I may never have a vaginal birth. I may be forced by circumstances, or worse, my health; or the worst, my baby’s health, to have yet another c-section. The fears rolled in... Maybe I didn't want another child. The introspection had begun.

I had already tried this twice. How would this time be any different? I thought I had done everything right when I tried for home birth the first time. I had prepared myself by reading countless books.

• Henci Goer’s The Thinking Women’s Guide to a Better Birth.
• Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.
• Jennifer Block’s Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care.
• Dr. Sear’s The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth.
• Jessica Levesque’s Embracing Birth: A Collection Of Inspiring Birth Stories
• Janet Schwegel’s Adventures in Natural Childbirth: Tales from Women on the Joys, Fears, Pleasures, and Pains of Giving Birth Naturally
• Marie Mongan’s HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing (3rd Edition)
• Peggy Vincent’s Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife
• DON'T CUT ME AGAIN! True Stories About Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC)

And these were just the books for my “failed” attempt at home birth. I had read every research article I could get my hands on. Starting with the ican-online.org white papers and continuing to vbacfacts.com. I had immersed myself in all things birth related. I have always been enthralled with the subject but it then had a real purpose, to get me prepared. I had ingested and inserted vaginally evening primrose oil starting at 37 weeks. I did foot zoning to help me let go of the emotional baggage I carried. I thought I had done it all, but I still had a c-section. What more could I do to “prepare”  for yet another try at this vaginal birth thing? I had no idea. I asked myself questions. Was it even safe to get pregnant again after such a large uterine dehiscence? Was it safe to try for vaginal birth again? Where could I find the answers to these questions? I started with the doctor that had performed my last surgery. I scheduled a consult and brought in a list of questions. His advice was “Sure, go ahead. You can get pregnant again. But you MUST have a c-section. We will check for signs of uterine dehiscence with weekly ultrasounds starting at 35 weeks. Any sign of a problem and you go straight to the OR.” This gave me medical permission to have more children. Which in and of itself was reassuring, because when I asked for the referral to speak to him from the military GYN, she said “I’m sure he thinks you shouldn't have any more kids.” None of this sat well with me. Doctors deciding the future of my family just felt wrong. Didn't I know what was best for my family? Wasn't that between me and my husband? My trust in them had been violated so many times. Why was I returning for more? I felt like saying “please sir may I have another?” I started looking for information anywhere I could. I posted questions on Facebook groups. I searched research databases. There was very little information about vaginal birth after three c-sections. And there didn't seem to be any concrete information about pregnancy after uterine dehiscence. I couldn't get hung up on stats and stories and suggestions. I had to look inward and upward. What did I want and what did God want for me?

Before I became pregnant again I found a book that tied birth to my spirituality. The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth by Felice Austin et al. It was the only book I read this time around. It gave me new perspective and hope. I could not only bring new life into the world, but I could also become closer to my Father in Heaven through this process.

The physical things I did also started before I became pregnant. I started to improve my diet by incorporating more fruits and vegetables and cutting out processed foods. I learned about essential oils and used them for me and my family. Then I asked the person that taught me, what she would suggest for strengthening the uterus before getting pregnant. At the time I was still breastfeeding and my period had not returned yet. She suggested trying vitex (chaste tree berry). My husband was across the country for a 60 day job training. So I figured I had some time to try it before I could even get pregnant. He joined our family again and because my period had still not returned I was sure I had more time. I still needed to clear my emotional baggage and find a provider who would go along with my "crazy" idea of VBA3C. I got pregnant pretty much the moment he got home. Even though I knew I wanted another child, when I say that positive test I sobbed. My amazing husband held me while I cried. I cried for so many reasons. All the pain and fear came flooding back. I felt so unprepared. Could I really do this again? I started to feel my only chance at a vaginal birth was to try at home again. K was NOT going to do that again. He was afraid of losing his wife and had trouble (rightfully so) thinking we could trust another midwife. Even though he had stanch reservations, I was going to try to find support. Support for what I knew deep down inside was the right thing for me and my baby, vaginal birth. I knew it was going to be hard, at best, to find someone to help me with that. So I started prenatal care with the doctor that performed my c-section. I knew bringing up the subject with him with be entirely futile, so I completely avoided it. Pretending I was good with another surgical birth was hard; but, I didn't see another option.

Then, I took a big gulp and called a midwife in a city two and a half hours away. I had lived in this city for college. This is where I lived when I trained and worked as a doula. I knew the birth culture there was much better than my city. I told her my story and she seemed encouraging. She thought she could help me. A better diet, some chiropractic, she could fix my problems. Then I told her about the uterine dehiscence. She didn’t know what to say. She would have to talk to her back up doctor and get back to me. Ok, at least she didn’t say no, right?  A week later she called to tell me she had discussed it with her colleagues and they all agreed it was best for me to have another Cesarean. I tried not to feel like the rejection was personal, but to me it was. My body was broken and the only way to safely deliver a baby was through surgery. They all agreed, but my heart did not. And again I sobbed. My poor husband tried to be supportive and did very well but all this was taking a toll on him too. Why couldn’t I accept my fate? I tried so very hard to believe that a c-section was the best, safest option for us. For a time I resigned myself to this and it brought so much sadness. I prayed to know what to do. Each time I would pray I would get the feeling I just had to keep trying. I never got the feeling that everything was going to end the way I wanted it to. But I felt I had to continue trying, no matter how hard it was for me to do so.

Through all of this, life outside my all-consuming journey continued. And I tried desperately to enjoy my completely complication free pregnancy. I continued prenatal care with the OB. I had an ultrasound at 18 weeks and learned my baby was a boy.

I also learned my placenta was posterior. I almost got off the table and did a happy dance when the tech said that. All my others had been anterior and I felt like it was a small victory and another little step towards normal uncomplicated birth.

So now what? I had heard the midwives in a city 5 hours away were very good and might help me. Getting rejected over e-mail didn't seem to hurt as bad, so I tried that. One responded saying it might be possible but her words and tone were one of extreme apprehension. I needed someone who believed in me wholeheartedly and could buoy me up when I inevitably had doubts. So I did not respond. The other midwife did not respond via email, so I got up the courage to call. After I told her my story she also seemed optimistic, but felt she should consult with a VBAC friendly OB as well. I waited and prayed. Then her call came. She could not help me. She relayed that the doctor would not even do it in the hospital. Which she said surprised her coming from this doctor because she was so supportive of VBAC. She asked if her daughter, a Doula, could contact me to help me find a hospital that would give me a family centered Cesarean. I told her to give her my number, hung up, then broke down once again. My past mistakes in trust had made it impossible for my body to do what it was physiologically made to do. It hurt so much. I cried to my husband who took part of his day off from work to comfort me. Not long after this he made it clear to me he was done with this search for a home birth midwife. He was not willing to do this at home again. I asked him what if I could find a doctor and hospital to support me. He was not enthusiastic but said I could try.

After posting on several Facebook forums about my situation I had a couple suggestions. One of the doctors actually contacted me and asked me to call her. We had a very good conversation about the risks and benefits. She seemed apprehensive but said if I did not find someone else by 32 weeks to call her back. This gave me a small glimmer of hope, a doctor at least willing to consider it. But she was across the country and I did not have close family there I could stay with. The OB I had heard nothing but amazing praise about, was next on my list to contact. He was 5 and 1/2 hours away from where my sister lived and I felt it was a real possibility. I called his office and faxed my records to his receptionist. She said he would read them and call me back. Two months of back and forth and reassurance he was truly going to call ended with a phone call from the office manager with news that he would not take me as a patient. When I asked for some kind of explanation she again said he would call me. K was furious. He called her back and told her what they had done was inhumane, dragging me along for months just to cut me off with a rejection and no explanation. This left me at the lowest I could get. I was questioning my very worth as a person. All my insecurities came crashing in on me. Was I not even worth a phone call? Maybe all the mistreatment I had endured to this point really was my fault. Others gave glowing reviews of the people who had wronged me. Why had they treated me so badly? What was wrong with me? The questions swirled through my head. I agonized over it all to me sister, who reassured me that if I scheduled a c-section she would be able to be here for me. I know she was sincere in wanting to help but once again hearing that a c-section was so much better brought me even lower. I quickly dropped to my previous state of depression. It was even harder than normal to sleep that night. I woke to go to the bathroom and knelt in prayer. I pleaded for peace and guidance. I woke with a new sense of hope, confidence, and a plan. I was going to drive with my three children to one of my sisters' house, fly to another sister's house, and drive 5 hours to his office and make him take me as a patient. Yes, looking back I see how insane this sounds. K looked at me like I was absolutely insane, but said if that's what I felt I had to do he trusted me. After a week and couple more phone calls to his office, it became apparent my plan was crazy and was not going to work. Traveling cross country to maybe get support was not good for anyone. I decided I would rather have a c-section. I actually felt liberated in a way. I had tried every single available option to have my VBA3C in a hospital. So where did that leave me on my journey? Well, there was just one more person I could try. She was a home birth midwife 3 hours away but she was across the border in Canada. I basically begged K to let me try just one more time. He very reluctantly agreed. I called her... I barely got three words out and started to cry. I had planned to be brave and professional, but I couldn't even keep it together for a full sentence. The way she responded was amazing. She told me it sounded like I had been through a lot and she would love to listen to my story. We talked for the next two hours. I felt so loved. I had never felt this from any care provider, let alone one I had never even met. We both agreed, our paths crossing was a miracle from God.

The next thing that happened was probably the hardest part of my entire VBAC journey. K fought me. He did not want to do this and found many reasons why we couldn't. The biggest one being, we had no money. If I went into the hospital for a c-section it literally cost us nothing. He thought I didn't care about my family and all I wanted was a vaginal birth. That I was going to do this no matter what the cost, and not just money. He thought I was willing to sacrifice our marriage for this. I was flabbergasted. How could he think this? Wasn't it obvious I was doing this for our family? I needed to be able to care for everyone after this baby was born. We both knew it was near impossible for me to do it after my last c-section, physically and emotionally. Mothering through the haze of depression is so very hard. Why didn't he understand? It got so bad he wouldn't even look at me. He avoided me in doorways and spoke only when it was absolutely necessary. It broke me. I was not going to lose my husband over this. I called the midwife and told her we could not meet. She tried to tell me not to make it about the money. I told her it wasn't me. Through sobs I apologized and hung up. I could barely stand from the weight of it all. I wanted to hide. Almost immediately K was following me trying to tell me something. I couldn't even look at him. I told him no, it was over, just let me deal with it alone. He finally got me to listen. "We can do it. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I just needed to see you were willing to let it go.”

Now I want to make something very clear. He is by no stretch of the imagination a bad person. He is a loving husband and father pushed too far by a system that makes it near impossible to make good decisions about maternity care. I know that our argument actually had very little to do with money, and everything to do with his frustration, at his utter lack of control over how his wife and baby would be cared for. It blows a person's mind to know that intervention and surgery will cost nothing, but staying home and having someone safeguard my bodily integrity will put us in the poor house. I also know he wanted to trust me, but knew I had so much emotional hurt tied up in this. It was such a very difficult decision to make.

Copyright Kimberly Guardipee •www.guardipeephotography.com

After that emotional roller coaster I could barely speak, let alone call the midwife and tell her we had decided to go forward with plans for home birth  I told him he had to call. He called her back and luckily she did not think we had absolutely lost our minds, but was understanding and supportive.  Now I had to work on letting go of my demons. I prayed to be able to trust, the courage to forgive those that had hurt me in the past, and to feel peace throughout the remaining weeks until my baby would be born in my home.

~ Melissa

... Check back for Part 3, coming soon!

Copyright Kimberly Guardipee •www.guardipeephotography.com

NOTE: Everything on our blog is subject to copyright.  Sharing of the original article is allowed by linking directly to the blog.  All photos and content are property of the author and may not be shared on any other website, media source, etc. without prior written consent.  

My Journey to Home Birth after 3 C-sections - Part 1

I am overwhelmed and pleased to share the birth stories of my dear friend, Melissa Pate.  Her strength and perseverance is beyond inspirational.  I am proud and humbled to call her friend.  (Please note: this story takes place in the USA)  Melissa requests that you feel free to share the link to her story far and wide as her goal is to reach out and help other mothers throughout the world!  It makes it worth all of the pain she endured.

Love, Michelle

I have had THREE c-sections. 6 weeks ago I gave birth to my fourth child in my bedroom. It was an amazing miracle. I sit here knowing, I want to share my story with the world. But where do I start? It is all so overwhelming. The stories are long and such a part of who I am. I have tried to write them so many times, only to stop in the middle and say, “It’s just too long and hard.”  I could write a book, and still may someday. I have tried to shorten it as much as I can without leaving anything important out. I have included links to information that helped me on my way.  These are the stories of how I became a mother of three, through surgical intervention.

When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was a little surprised but so excited. I knew I wanted to be a mother for a long time before it happened. I had a partial placental abruption when I was 25 weeks pregnant. It was very scary. I spent 10 days in the hospital and 10 weeks on bedrest and tocolytics. Even though I was a doula before becoming pregnant, through all of this I lost faith in everything I had learned about birth. I thought I was broken and could not possibly do what I knew other women could. Through the bed rest and around the clock meds, I almost went crazy. At 38 weeks pregnant I was offered an induction and I took it.

Watching the monitor

I had spent so much time believing my baby would come early and was convinced outside was a safer place for my baby to be. I arrived at 5 am to start pitocin. I was dilated one whole cm and 50% effaced. At 7 am the doctor came in and broke my water. No turning back now. I labored all day only to have my son's heart rate drop. They turned off the pitocin and it came back up, but was showing very little variability. So the OB came in to tell me it was time for a c-section, because I was only 4-5 cm dilated. He said if I had been at 8 he would have let me continue. I was absolutely devastated. They prepped me for surgery and I sobbed. The OB thought I was being too emotional and snapped at me to "Get it together!" Because it was "not good for my baby."

 

Waiting to be taken down to the OR

 They had just finished two c-sections in their L&D floor operating rooms and they were dirty, so I had to be taken down to the main OR. It took a very long time for them to dose my epidural high enough for surgery. They had a video camera on my abdomen. I was able to see him born. He cried even before his 7 lb 4 oz body was out. I briefly got to hold him. Then my husband took him upstairs to the nursery. As he was leaving I began to throw up, which is really hard to do when you are numb from the neck down. Then I went to recovery, where I shook uncontrollably. I didn't see my baby for another 2 hours.     

 

Meeting my son for the first time

When I finally did see him I couldn't hold him for very long because of how much pain I was in. Because I am allergic to morphine they ordered demerol, which was not kept in stock on that floor. We had to wait over an hour for it to come up from the pharmacy. I briefly attempted breastfeeding but I was in so much pain. I was given tordal shots for the pain and went home with massive bruises from the injections. Breast feeding was very important to me.

Breastfeeding

We got it down only for me to have to return to my job as a Registered Nurse when he was 8 weeks old. I pumped but it was never enough. Even though it hurt my heart, we supplemented with formula. It was a horrible introduction to motherhood and I struggled to push through.

My first scar

When my son was 16 months old I became pregnant again. I was in a very stressful job situation and it made being pregnant very hard.  I knew I wanted a VBAC, but I was tentative. I didn’t even ask my OB about VBAC until I was 20 weeks. I didn’t do very much research or preparation, as I really felt I didn’t want to put a lot of effort into it if I was going to just end up with another c-section. I had a lot of contractions starting at 36 weeks and so my doctor started checking for dilation every visit. Of course there was none, but after weeks and weeks and weeks of hearing the words “no change” I relented and scheduled the repeat c-section for my due date. That night I lost my mucous plug. By the morning I was contracting regularly. I went to the hospital midday, only to get checked and be told “well there is a dimple.” I asked him if I should just go home and he said "Do you think your husband wants to take you home in this condition?" Kyle agreed, he did not. It was so hard to move forward with no one believing in me.I walked the halls until I felt nauseous and wanted to retreat to a private place to labor.

 

Between contractions. All hooked up and ready to walk.

In the room, the nurse told me she needed to monitor the baby. I was sitting on a birth ball and agreed she could do it while I sat there. She rebuffed and told me I HAD to get in the bed, because she could not get a good strip if I was up and moving. I relented and got in the bed. I wanted to be a good patient and, being a nurse, I knew she had a job that must be done. It hurt so much more in the bed. Shortly after, I heard and felt a pop and water gushed all over the bed. Kyle said "Melissa there is so much, is that OK?" As I was reassuring him, the doctor returned from his office hours to check me. The contraction pain went up exponentially after rupture of membranes, and when he again said “no change,” I just lost it. I started climbing the bed and screaming "Just make it stop!" He stated “I’m not watching this anymore. We are doing a c-section.” As soon as they let me off the bed, I felt like I was once again in control, but then it was too late. I went to the bathroom, my husband was against the door and the nurse anesthetist was waiting outside the door with a wheelchair. All I wanted to do was close the door and hide, labor alone, and have the baby alone. I felt cornered. With all the courage I could muster it was off to the OR again. The surgery itself was much less traumatic, but my baby was still taken from me and sent to the nursery to be warmed by an isolette instead of me.

Crying for Mom

I begged to them to let me see his first bath but was refused. Instead I was waiting alone in my room with a tray of clear liquids. Which I greedily ate, as I was not even aloud ice chips while in labor. Only to barf them shortly after. I should have been meeting and bonding with my newest child, but instead I was utterly alone, vomiting. My son weighed 8 lbs 6 oz. The nurse in recovery said, “aren’t you so glad you didn’t try to push that big baby out?” I felt like it was inevitable, and I had done the right thing. At that point I decided that if I had any more children I would just schedule the c-section.

So drugged up on pain meds, I can barely open my eyes.

When my second son was 1 year old, I had a heart to heart conversation with a really great doula (Michelle). I cried and cried, realizing how much I was not good with my two c-sections and I did NOT want to do it again. Was it even possible to have a VBAC after two c-sections? I had so much work ahead of me. Two months later I was pregnant again. I found ican-online.org and researched and researched. Then, I called the local birth center midwife. I knew she did not usually provide care for VBA2C but I thought maybe she would at least be supportive or help me find someone who did. Boy was I wrong. She was horrible to me. She came at me from every angle and essentially told me I was a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad nurse, and a bad person for wanting to kill myself and/or my baby by attempting a VBA2C.  I knew she was wrong, but the conversation cut me to my soul. So I returned to the OB that had led me to the OR twice already. I looked into homebirth but knew my husband was not comfortable with that, and only dreamed of circumventing the birth assembly line by staying home. 

When I went in for my 28 week checkup I presented my doctor with a letter explaining that I wanted a VBAC and three things I felt would make me successful. One, to have intermittent fetal monitoring to facilitate movement in labor. Two, I wanted to be able to eat in labor. Three, I wanted to be able to push in whatever position I felt best. He shot them down one by one using a story about a VBAC hopeful who “left a bad taste in the mouths of the hospital staff” to make me want to comply. He also had many choice one liners, including “do you want to aspirate and die?” and   “well, next time don’t grow um so big. You know, 8-6 is really big.” Then to put the icing on the cake as he was leaving the room he said “Do you know what your husband needs to get you for Christmas?" pause for affect... and punch line. "A new cervix.” Then the Nurse Practitioner delivered the real demoralizing blow with, “Yeah, one that works.” I was so hurt. I knew I was never going to be able to have a vaginal birth with him in control of my care. At this point my husband was livid and willing to do anything to avoid their condescending “care.” 

I made an appointment with the only homebirth midwife in town. I was never really comfortable with her but I really felt she was my only option.  I also hired a doula and asked a midwife student I knew to be there with me during labor and birth. I continued to see the OB and his NP “just in case” I had to go the hospital, but I decided on homebirth. Because of the past history of my cervix not dilating and the possibility it could be scar tissue from cryo surgery and a very difficult insertion of an IUD, I consented to let the midwife “massage” my cervix to break up any scar tissue while I was in labor. In my mind it would be a one time thing, and I would carry on undisturbed after that. Well I was wrong again. She manually dilated my cervix and pushed every hour to do it again and again and again. 18 hours after labor started she pronounced me “ready to push.”

 

Kyle holding me.  He was my rock.

 

One of the reprieves from the midwife's prying

I would have done just about anything to get her hands out of me, but that was not to be either. I had an anterior cervical lip and she told me she had to hold it back while I pushed. I begged her to just get her hands out of me. I pleaded. I cried. What was going on? This was supposed to be my beautiful peaceful home birth. I pushed for six hours with her hand inside me. Not in whatever position I felt was right as I had asked the OB for, but in the position that was most  convenient for her, flat on my back on my bed.

Pushing and pushing and pushing

After trying inversions and walking my stairs and enduring many verbal assaults from the midwife, I could physically take no more. I was sure if I continued, I was going to die. When I told the student midwife this, she made everyone understand I needed to go to the hospital NOW. We called my OB and told him what we had done and he called my husband names and hung up on him. I had to just take the OB on call. I didn't care. I needed it to end. In the hospital they treated me like a leper. When I was getting the spinal I tried to lean on the OR nurse for support. She pushed me and said “don’t touch me!”  Upon entry into my abdominal cavity they discovered a 10 cm by 8 cm uterine dehiscence. The only thing keeping my baby in my uterus was peritoneum. My 7lb 1oz daughter was born.  I remember all but nothing of her first moments. I was nervous because the spinal did not feel the same as last time. So they gave me versed (a drug with very strong amnesic properties) to calm me down. Very shortly after she was born they whisked her off to the NICU for “labored breathing.” Even though her apgars were recorded as 8 and 9. There, they took her blood sugar and made my husband feed her formula. I didn't see her for another four hours. They kept telling me they would bring her up so I tried very hard to hold off on the narcotics for my pain. I wanted to be present when I met her. I couldn't wait any longer and was high as a kite when I finally met my beautiful daughter.

This is when I saw my daughter for the first time.
They performed a newborn assessment in her plastic
 bassinet, before giving her to me.
I feel this picture embodies everything I felt.
I wanted so badly to be happy; but,
I was in so much physical and emotional pain, I could not.

Finally getting to touch her.

Because she had been given a bottle she wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding. We eventually figured it out, but we suffered through 8 weeks of thrush (caused by the prophylactic antibiotics). The physical and emotional pain put me into a dark depression. For many weeks after her birth I had overwhelming symptoms of PTSD. The first time my husband and I tried being intimate I had flashbacks of pushing with her hand inside me. It was so scary for us both. Forming a real bond with my daughter was extremely difficult. I was just going through the motions. I knew what it should feel like because I had two other children, but it just wasn't there. Though I was able to create a very strong bond eventually, I was still dealing with looming depression 10 months later. At that point we were NOT planning on having anymore children. Despite our plans, I realized when she was very young that there was another child to come to our family. It was all so very hard for me. On one hand I really wanted another child, but on the other, I knew I could not endure another c-section. So many questions so often overtook my thoughts. Was it really necessary? Were we really as close to death as they said? What if I had just had more strength to keep pushing? What if I had not let her manually dilate my cervix? WHY??? Why did I let, yet another, "care" provider violate my body and trample my trust? What is wrong with me? I connected with birth groups online. In my desperate hours, I reached out to Michelle, and she encouraged me. I wrote out my feelings and prayed for relief. When she was 10 months old I wrote this-

All of that pain. Pain inflicted by her hands. If I am fine and my baby is fine. No one is to touch me. EVER! What you were doing was supposed to make it easier. HA. So much pain. You HURT me! YOU not my baby, not my body ,YOU. I would have endured ANY and ALL pain to get her here, into my arms instead of a sterile field. You took advantage of all I was willing to give, to speed it up so I wouldn't tire out. I did tire out. I told you all I couldn't do it. I was right. I could not endure you hands inside me. I dug to the depths of my soul. And you mocked me. “Almost there. Almost there.” I gave all that I had and it wasn't enough. I was willing to give it all for a chance at the amazing euphoria. To feel my baby girl come through me into life apart from me. I wanted to tell her how the heavens sang as I held her in my arms, on my chest, against my breast. I don’t even remember the moment she was born. I was given amnesic drugs that have erased it.

Then, my sweet daughter, they took you from me. All I wanted was to feel you, smell you, feed you, touch you, comfort you. Be your mother. Instead I was drugged, in pain, and alone. I wanted so badly to be coherent when they brought you to me. I held off on the pain medication as long as I possibly could. But they would not bring you to me. They gave you formula. Your first food was from a bottle. The ONLY time you would ever have a bottle.

It has been 10 months today and my baby lies asleep in my arms, laughing in her sleep. As I sob. This is the first time I have written anything about that day.

Read Part 2 HERE

NOTE: Everything on our blog is subject to copyright.  Sharing of the original article is allowed by linking directly to the blog.  All photos and content are property of the author and may not be shared on any other website, media source, etc. without prior written consent.  

April is Cesarean Awareness Month

The following video contains images of cesarean surgical births.  For more information on cesarean birth awareness and vaginal birth after cesarean, please visit the International Cesarean Awareness Network.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com